Post by kingrat on Mar 2, 2011 11:47:51 GMT -5
As the elevator doors opened, bringing El Jefe up from the company's research labs buried deep in the bowels of the earth below the AK Bunker corporate campus, he rushed out to meet King RAT, Field Operations Commander of the AK Bunker’s Removal of Armadillo Team (AKB RAT) for a quick mission briefing. King RAT and his small, elite team had been waiting for several pre-dawn hours for their signal that the MDTLD and associated equipment was ready for transport to the Navy's secret testing facility, but had been given precious few details about the mission or the equipment to be tested. All the team knew was that a revolutionary new weapons system would be ready for initial trials.
While he awaited El Jefe's arrival, King RAT worried that the MDTLD might be mounted to some un-tested version of the AR-15 system. He knew that the AR-15 was a solid platform, but Leeboat's R&D division was constantly tinkering with the Navy's standard Mil-Spec version in an effort to make it more attractive for consumer sales. This kind of tinkering had resulted in some pretty serious sub-system failures on previous testing missions, leading King Rat to adopt a cautious attitude toward any "new and improved" versions of the weapon. Once, during initial testing of the FART system, velcro attachment straps had deteriorated from the toxic fumes given off from the processing of Waffle House chili, causing the effusive gasses to escape among the members of his AKB RAT who were testing the device and resulted in hospitalization of three team members for nose amputation and extensive lung rehabilitation.
King Rat's team hastily but carefully loaded the numerous crates from the elevator onto AK Bunker's Fix Or Repair Daily Speedy Utility Vehicle (FORD SUV). Rear-facing cameras on the FORD SUV recorded the loading, looking for violations of standard AKB RAT cargo loading procedures. The crates were heavy, and marked clearly with Zombie Apocalypse, Bio Hazard, and Radiation Hazard international standard logos; along with anti-tamper warnings emblazoned with both day-glow and glow-in-the-dark paint. In addition to "Classified - Top Secret," the warnings also contained AK Bunker's standard label - "WARNING - You Open da Box We Break You Kneecap!"
Once the precious cargo was securely loaded and strapped down, the team members scurried to their assigned seats and manipulated the various safety straps that would hold them securely against the massive g-forces generated by the erratic throttle operation of the FORD SUV. King Rat had tried piloting the FORD SUV on its maiden voyage but failed to control the throttle completely, which resulted in a collision with Queen Lydia’s T-Bird. Only because of his long and faithful service to the AK Bunker conglomerate, and with some momentous private whining and cajoling by El Jefe, King Rat was pardoned by Queen Lydia from the punishment of accompanying Leeboat on a two-year furlough to the company’s Prudhoe Bay testing facility. Team members cringed as El Jefe took the pilot’s seat because they knew that he had not yet mastered the throttle system either. El Jefe enjoyed piloting the FORD SUV, however, because the throttle control was engineered within his standing orders for operating company vehicles: Stay on the gas until you see the face of GOD – then brake! Everyone knew that on this day they would be in for a wild ride and the possibility of meeting their maker.
As the turbines whined to life and the FORD SUV jerked into “ludicrous speed” gear, El Jefe was heard to exclaim; “Here, hold my beer and WATCH THIS!”
Onboard electronic counter measures systems – added to the FORD SUV by Leeboat’s R&D division - operated flawlessly, sending three Coweta County Sheriff cruisers in hot pursuit and one Georgia State Patrol SWAT van into the ditch along the highway leading to the Navy’s secret testing facility. Along the way, a RAT team member asked for a channel change on the entertainment system. King RAT struggled to loosen his restraints enough to reach the controls and managed to tune in a County & Western station that was playing a song recorded by Leeboat while in his former career as a guitar picker, with vocal accompaniment of Princess Rebecca. The Princess’ angelic voice was heard performing the well-known tune; “Daddy Was Drunk When Mamma Was Runned Over By a Damned Old Train.” El Jefe didn’t like the music, so he snatched the controls away from King Rat and tuned the system back to his favorite liberal talk radio station, where Harry Reid was explaining the merits of health care reform.
As the FORD SUV rounded the final curve near the entrance to the Navy’s testing facility, tires grasping for traction as two wheels lifted from the pavement and King Rat praying for deliverance through clenched teeth, El Jefe exclaimed; “Here we are, boys. I’m gonna get me some ‘dillo tonight. Just you wait and see.”
Tune in again for the next episode of Armadillo Annihilator – when we will discover that Kig Rat’s fear of failure was well justified.
While he awaited El Jefe's arrival, King RAT worried that the MDTLD might be mounted to some un-tested version of the AR-15 system. He knew that the AR-15 was a solid platform, but Leeboat's R&D division was constantly tinkering with the Navy's standard Mil-Spec version in an effort to make it more attractive for consumer sales. This kind of tinkering had resulted in some pretty serious sub-system failures on previous testing missions, leading King Rat to adopt a cautious attitude toward any "new and improved" versions of the weapon. Once, during initial testing of the FART system, velcro attachment straps had deteriorated from the toxic fumes given off from the processing of Waffle House chili, causing the effusive gasses to escape among the members of his AKB RAT who were testing the device and resulted in hospitalization of three team members for nose amputation and extensive lung rehabilitation.
King Rat's team hastily but carefully loaded the numerous crates from the elevator onto AK Bunker's Fix Or Repair Daily Speedy Utility Vehicle (FORD SUV). Rear-facing cameras on the FORD SUV recorded the loading, looking for violations of standard AKB RAT cargo loading procedures. The crates were heavy, and marked clearly with Zombie Apocalypse, Bio Hazard, and Radiation Hazard international standard logos; along with anti-tamper warnings emblazoned with both day-glow and glow-in-the-dark paint. In addition to "Classified - Top Secret," the warnings also contained AK Bunker's standard label - "WARNING - You Open da Box We Break You Kneecap!"
Once the precious cargo was securely loaded and strapped down, the team members scurried to their assigned seats and manipulated the various safety straps that would hold them securely against the massive g-forces generated by the erratic throttle operation of the FORD SUV. King Rat had tried piloting the FORD SUV on its maiden voyage but failed to control the throttle completely, which resulted in a collision with Queen Lydia’s T-Bird. Only because of his long and faithful service to the AK Bunker conglomerate, and with some momentous private whining and cajoling by El Jefe, King Rat was pardoned by Queen Lydia from the punishment of accompanying Leeboat on a two-year furlough to the company’s Prudhoe Bay testing facility. Team members cringed as El Jefe took the pilot’s seat because they knew that he had not yet mastered the throttle system either. El Jefe enjoyed piloting the FORD SUV, however, because the throttle control was engineered within his standing orders for operating company vehicles: Stay on the gas until you see the face of GOD – then brake! Everyone knew that on this day they would be in for a wild ride and the possibility of meeting their maker.
As the turbines whined to life and the FORD SUV jerked into “ludicrous speed” gear, El Jefe was heard to exclaim; “Here, hold my beer and WATCH THIS!”
Onboard electronic counter measures systems – added to the FORD SUV by Leeboat’s R&D division - operated flawlessly, sending three Coweta County Sheriff cruisers in hot pursuit and one Georgia State Patrol SWAT van into the ditch along the highway leading to the Navy’s secret testing facility. Along the way, a RAT team member asked for a channel change on the entertainment system. King RAT struggled to loosen his restraints enough to reach the controls and managed to tune in a County & Western station that was playing a song recorded by Leeboat while in his former career as a guitar picker, with vocal accompaniment of Princess Rebecca. The Princess’ angelic voice was heard performing the well-known tune; “Daddy Was Drunk When Mamma Was Runned Over By a Damned Old Train.” El Jefe didn’t like the music, so he snatched the controls away from King Rat and tuned the system back to his favorite liberal talk radio station, where Harry Reid was explaining the merits of health care reform.
As the FORD SUV rounded the final curve near the entrance to the Navy’s testing facility, tires grasping for traction as two wheels lifted from the pavement and King Rat praying for deliverance through clenched teeth, El Jefe exclaimed; “Here we are, boys. I’m gonna get me some ‘dillo tonight. Just you wait and see.”
Tune in again for the next episode of Armadillo Annihilator – when we will discover that Kig Rat’s fear of failure was well justified.
